he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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