Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
