She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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