i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
