guys are not supposed to queef...right?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
