How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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