so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
