you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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