I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Randomize
