Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
