Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
this is an emotional support booty call
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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