the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
