if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
