worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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