dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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