I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Let's get the cat blown out
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
