If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
