You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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