I'm gonna have a badass scar
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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