This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
