He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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