when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
