i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
