when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He did a backflip because drugs
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
