He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
