Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
