guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
