sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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