We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
