My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
