So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
