And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I have tasted many bathrooms
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
