He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
