I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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