Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
