Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We need a shit load of segways right now
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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