my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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