He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize