I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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