I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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