Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
