Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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