I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so let's talk penis.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
