I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
