The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
