I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
