the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
