Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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