Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
me + whiskey = a bad person
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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