Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
